Hey friends!
If you’re new here (yay!) welcome to week four of our series into faith and friendship post-deconstruction. We’ve made this issue free for all our subscribers. This one is a little less “faith” and a little more “friendship” but we hope you enjoy. If you were able to join us for our monthly Zoom call last weekend, we took these chats about friendships even deeper. Massive thanks to everyone who opened up during that call and was willing to share their experience. We literally never take you all for granted.
Happy weekend!
Gabby + Chris
Six Ways To Take Your Friendships Deeper
By Gabby Llewellyn
It’s my experience that friendship thrives in security. When you know that your position with someone is safe no matter what (unless you abuse them somehow). It’s security that allows you to confide when you have a crush on someone, or cry when you have a hard conversation at work, whisper about your financial fears, or process a fight you had with your partner. I hope, most of us have known that kind of security in relationship at some point. Maybe not with our friends, but our family. Or maybe not with our family, but our chosen family. Relationships that stand the test of time because you’re so confident that there’s no part of you that won’t be loved and accepted— even if that other person may not fully agree with you on everything.
Or maybe you haven’t experienced that in any relationship in your lifetime. I believe there’s still time for that, for all of us.
My friendships radically changed when I started asking myself: how can I be someone who is consistently a safe space for the people I love?
I really believe that we attract what we put out there. It might not be overnight— deep relationships take time. You cannot manufacture or shortcut history.
But how you respond when people are vulnerable with you can dramatically shift your relationships to the next level.
Now I’m not an expert by any means, but I’ve spent a lot of my adult life thinking about how to be a good friend and have been blessed enough to be friends with some pretty amazing people. This is a non-comprehensive list of behaviours, in no particular order, that has served me well in my friendships. Let me know what I’m missing in the comments below.
Information trusted to me, stays with me. I learned this one from two of my close friends Mary Caroline and Michelle. I noticed early on that our friendship wasn’t based on talking about other people’s business. It was focused on what was going on in our lives. As a result, I felt like I could share things with them because I knew how they would behave with that information when I wasn’t around.
Unless I’m asked for advice specifically, I assume I’m here to listen and empathize. I have a group of friends who model this beautifully for me. They never responded to my grievances or gripes with advice or how they would do things differently. Instead they respond with empathy and questions about how I’m doing. It’s gotten to the point where I trust them so much, they’re ultimately the group of women I go to first when I really do want advice from a friend, because I know it comes from the best place.
I relentlessly champion my friends’ endeavours. LIFE. IS. HARD. ENOUGH. Can I get an amen?! There is enough adversity, evil, heartbreak and fear in this life without being afraid your friends will think you’re dumb, extra, over-emotional or wrong. Unless I see my friend walking into a life-threatening situation (which has yet to happen for me), I just championchampionchampion. Who am I say if something is a good idea or not?
I don’t force my worldview down their throats— overtly, or passive aggressively. I have friends who believe very, very different things to me. I have friends who would be incredibly triggered if I told them I was “praying for them”. That doesn’t mean I don’t, it just means that telling them how I’m going to spiritually manage their life for them isn’t the most loving thing I could do.
I celebrate them, tell them why they’re amazing, and in general am just a big dorky, keen-o when it comes to my friends. In high school I internalised this lie that a compliment for someone else, would take away from my own worth. I know, it sounds dumb even typing it out. But I didn’t realise I was out of practice complimenting my friends until I was an adult. It’s actually one of my goals this year, to continue to be someone who sees the people I love for who they are and is over the top when it comes to celebrating them.
Listen, listen, listen. And then ask good questions based off what you just heard. Be genuinely curious. One of my dear friends is a therapist. In our three year friendship, I’ve learned so much about how to sit back, even when there’s a story of my own just bursting at the tip of my tongue, and listen. Let me tell you, this one is really hard for me… I love to hear myself talk. But I love my friends more.
I’m sure there’s more but these are things that have transformed my friendships especially in my 30s. I could not be more thankful for the people in my life, and for the people who have modelled these behaviours so beautifully for me. They created relationships that have been a sanctuary for me in life, and I hope to pay it forward.
Other issues from our “Friendship + Faith” series:
Who Would Stay If They Saw the Real Me?
Musing On the Practical Mechanics of Friendship Post Deconstruction
To Read
Welcome to the Era of Very Earnest Parenting By Caitlin Moscatello (The New York Times)— We actually read and really enjoyed Dr. Becky’s book Good Inside, and recommended it here for anyone looking for a parenting resource. But we thought this article on new wave parenting was interesting.
Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver— I mean it’s on every best seller, awards list for a reason. Whip sharp writing, a deep and unflinching look at the human condition and why we do the things we do. For fans of Huckleberry Finn and Holden Caulfield.
To Listen
The Japanese House— We’ve been loving their new singles. You can listen to them all, including the one that was released today here.
Meditation Minis Podcast— Pretty sure we’ve recommended this podcast before, but if you’re looking to disrupt the chaos of your day with just a little mental break, these episodes are so good. I (Gabby) have listened to this podcast for a few years and just really enjoy the mental exercise of focusing on the here and now. It helps my overall mental health and feels like “self-care”, whatever that means anymore!
Other Stuff
A super informative thread about how the relationship between autism and ARFID eating disorder. If you’re interested in learning more, definitely check out this post.
I never saw being a Croc apologist as being part of my persona, but here we are. Bought me and my mom a new pair each for Mother’s Day so ya know.
Okay I know this will only interest those of you who have kids with teeth who cannot handle a toothbrush (so like maybe 12 of you?) but these silicone toothbrush heads you pop on your finger and scrub have been a game changer for us!
And finally, here’s this month’s mixtape if you need a playlist to spice up your life. Who doesn’t?
This was really good Gabby. I liked your list! The part about being a safe place really stung, but in a good way. I’ve been learning how to not react to others feelings like they are about me for some reason. Ok, when I say “others” I mostly mean my wife, Becky. Throughout therapy I’ve come to learn more about why her emotions threatened me and how to listen more without being offended, but I’m still working on it. Internally, I have to check myself often, remind myself that things aren’t always about me or what I did to cause anything. It’s hard to get rid of that knee-jerk reaction, but I’ve gotten much better. Saying that I’ve certainly heard her say that I haven’t been a safe person to share her vulnerability with and it’s been crushingly heartbreaking. She’s run lots of risk experiments and we’ve experienced healing. But dang... that single bit about learning to listen rather than react is single handed Ky the most important part. I’ve also learned to not try to twist everything into an opportunity to share about my experience (as I sit here writing about my experience 🙄😂), but I am not skilled in the art of question asking! I sometimes with there was a playbook of powerful questions to draw out a deeper conversation... maybe when I figure it out I can write it 🤣😂. I loved this post so much and really missed y’all last week, but May in our home is seriously the most busy month every year.