I crossed my legs on the floor of the small room just off the side of the stage and waited for it to begin.
We were on a worship tour with some of the biggest names in Christian music and every day before the night began we’d gather for tour devotionals. I was excited about this. While some people rolled their eyes and begrudgingly dragged themselves to the meetings each day, I looked forward to them.
It was my first tour traveling with my husband Chris, helping out as a nanny, merchandise manager and social media. Greener than the shamrock t-shirts I counted in every night, I arrived fresh, bright-eyed and ready to make friends.
It was a small room to cramp into, but we managed, everyone’s skinny jeans squeezing them even tighter than usual.
Someone shared a devotional thought and then opened up the floor for discussion. I had never shared before, but today I had something to say.
At 24, I had spent the last several years “on fire for Jesus.” My spiritual outlook was black and white, with definite, Scripture-based answers for any question from “How does one get saved?” to “Is it okay to be gay?”
But recently, as I lay in my tour bus bunk staring into the pitch blackness, God felt “distant”. And while he was “gone” the questions came to me instead. I didn’t so much think about them as much as house them in my heart before rolling over and falling asleep.
So today I decided I was going to share my doubts with this group of Christians, who seemed so sure of everything. They declared it, sang it, prophesied it, stomped and shouted it every night. I knew if I opened up they’d have something encouraging to say. Some wisdom to make me feel less alone and put me back on the right track.
The silence was thundering. I shared, and in a horrifying moment I realised there would be no comfort, no Kumbaya-moment where someone else chimed in with their own experiences or thoughts on how to handle doubt as a Christian. The discussion was gently segued to prayer, but I was left feeling like I had been caught naked, blood pounding in my ears. I had neatly annexed myself from this group of spiritual leaders by admitting publicly I didn’t belong there.
That was the day I learned that you don’t share doubts in church.
That was the day I learned that if you want to be considered a “leader” or “strong in faith” you must never open the door to doubt.
Like I had.
But it was done, the door to Narnia had been cracked open and I felt the crisp, winter air calling my name. If I had to go alone, so be it.
If you had asked me back then, I would’ve told you that season of my faith was marked by a profound sense of the absence of God’s presence. Now I look back and see that not only was he there, but he was the one whispering the questions in my ear.
No one told me that sometimes that’s how the Holy Spirit shows up.
Sometimes he’s not in the loud, over powered speakers and stage lights. Sometimes he’s not in the songs shouted at the top of our lungs. Sometimes he’s not in the storm, or the wind, or the earthquake, or the fire. Sometimes he comes to us in a gentle whisper, barely audible, but impossible to ignore. (1 Kings 19:11-12, BSB)
If I had been at that tour devotion, and heard young Gabby share those things, this is what I would have told her: your doubt is an invitation from the Holy Spirit to go deeper, it’s a call to care even more.
I think a lot of us get hung up on the story of “Doubting Thomas”, the disciple who had to see Jesus risen for himself before believing. Eventually he sees Jesus, puts his fingers in the scars in his hands, and his hand in the hole in his side before confessing Jesus as God.
What Jesus says to Thomas next is famous, he says “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” (John 20: 29, NIV)
At least that’s how the story goes.
For many years, I took that as a rebuke by Jesus, to all doubt and those who would maybe not take everything they’re learning at church at face-value.
But unless I’m mistaken, none of us have seen Jesus face-to-face yet. Not people who are sure of everything when it comes to matters of faith, nor those who have questions. All of us are in the second group of people Jesus mentions— we are ALL the blessed who have not seen and YET, somehow, find ourselves, sometimes even in spite of ourselves, believing.
Even when it doesn’t make sense. Even when it feels absurd. We find ourselves whispering prayers into the darkness before we go to sleep.
From where I stand, doubt isn’t the enemy. It’s the vehicle that’s propelled me into a faith that’s more mysterious and dazzling than I could’ve ever dreamed.
Family Evening Drives— This summer, between being exposed to a friend who got COVID-19 and traveling internationally, we found ourselves self-isolated for nearly a month and half. So in an effort to stay sane, we’d eat an early dinner, make a flask of tea or decaf coffee, and pack everyone into the car for an evening drive. Even though we kind of started this as a way to kill the time between dinner and our toddler’s bedtime, you don’t have to have a kid to enjoy the evening ritual. Whether you’re a couple, or even single, we’d encourage you to put on some music you enjoy, roll down the windows, and enjoy the peace.
Learning to Walk in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor — For anyone who has felt a lack of spiritual guidance in the valleys of life, this book is for you. I (Gabby) wish I could give this book to everyone who’s ever sat down at my kitchen table and utter the words “I feel lost.” This book will make your world feel less lost, less along, more anchored. It’s beautifully written too, which is always a plus.
Our Ability to Process Information Is Reaching a Critical Limit by Eric Ravenscraft (article) — If you feel like your brain is about to explode with everything you’re reading in the news, well there might be a reason why. Thought this article on our brains’ limited capacity to process information was fascinating.
Common Prayer: A Liturgy For Ordinary Radicals by Shane Claiborne, Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove, Enuma Okoro — If you’re anything like us, spending any focused time in prayer can feel overwhelming in the current state of the world. This book of Common Prayer provides daily meditations and devotional thoughts to guide your prayers outward.
The Home Cooking Podcast with Samin Nosrat & Hrishikesh Hirway — For awhile our morning routine consisted of making coffee, and turning on this podcast as a gentle way to wake up and inspire the senses. Samin (author of the multi-award winning cookbook Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat) and Hrishi feel like friends we’d have in real life. Their easy, pun-filled banter, and practical advice for the aspiring home cook really meet us where we’re at— which apparently is peak boring 30-something behaviour.
We wanted to include a connection element to these newsletters. Think we can all agree that this year has left us looking for more connection. So we wanted to extend an invitation to meet up and talk. Eventually we’ll be turning these meetings into a Book Club discussion of sorts, but for this first one we just want to say “hi” and discuss this question:
How do you view your doubts? Do you view them as the voice of the enemy? A manifestation of your own fears and insecurities? A problem to be solved? Or the whisper of the Holy Spirit as an invitation to go deeper?
We’ll also be announcing the book we’re going to read through together in our Book Club so if you want to find out more be sure to show up! We’ll be meeting on Tuesday, Sept 29th, at 9:30 UK Time/ 3:30 CT.
NOTE: We realise not everyone is dying to get on a Zoom call with a bunch of strangers, so if you want to show up with your coffee, not turn on your camera and mic and just listen in, you’re welcome to do that. Either way, we’ll be there chatting through these questions ourselves. These meetings are for paid subscribers ONLY, you will receive a link to join in a separate email.
So if you’re here because you used to be a subscriber to Gabby’s Newsletter, then you’ll already know about her monthly mixtapes and have listened to September’s a couple times. But if you’re new here, welcome to the mixtape. Every month we’ll be curating music we’re enjoying into a Spotify playlist for you.
NOTE FROM THE EDITORS : Hi friends! We’re made this, our first issue of Storied, available to all subscribers— paid and free alike. After this issue, free subscribers with quarterly access will not receive another issue until January 1st, 2021. If you currently are subscribed for free and would like to upgrade to a paid subscription to receive next week’s issue, hit the subscribe button below. :)
This way getting together is so great, thank you guys for doing this, Chris I was at one of your last concerts, in Melbourne, my heart was so heavy that night, I had bought tickets for my husband and I as soon as they were in sale, I got the vip tickets because I was so keen to meet you guys, you probably don’t remember but I asked the question if you guys go to church each Sunday or when you can, sometimes it’s hard to go when your heart feels heavy with life and you’re a bit down, but I have since learned it’s the place to be when you feel like that, some people stay home because they want a rest but also what a better place to rest is with God, my heart was heavy at your tend concert because at that moment my husband and I weren’t as close as usual, due to busy dairy farming life, no farm rest and life gets in the way just as it has again right now, what do you two always do as a couple when times are super busy especially when you’re touring that keep you close? Thank you for the newsletter xx I think I will give it to my soon to be 17 year old son, he has been doubting
I had to take a couple of days to process your words, because it made me realize that for so much of my life I wouldn't allow myself to explore the gray areas that I often found myself in. But I've been learning to accept the gray parts of my faith and now I'm trying to learn to lean in to God for clarity on the gray parts. So thank you for putting words to my thoughts! Also, I did that workout for 30 minutes and it felt like the longest 30 minutes of my day! I modified the number of reps I did for each so I had a range. It was such a good and simple workout, my body hurts from it!